Hadeel: Hello Achmed, this is Hadeel. I am a student of philosophy in Lahore. You are a really difficult man to get to but I am glad you got time to read your fan mail. I must, especially, thank you for this honor. I never thought you would make time for this interview. You see, I am just a girl in Pakistan and your interview is probably just going to go to this blog of mine that nobody really reads. But I am so honored, I can’t even tell you.
Achmed: Yeah, hey, sup!
Sup? What..what does that mean?
It means “what is up with you?” where I come from.
Oh, did you catch that phrase in paradise? Is it how they talk up there?
Oh well, it’s nice to hear that paradise is all FOR slangs. So, how is it like in paradise? Did you get your 72 virgins?
72? No, phewww! We muslims dream little, you know. You have got to dream big, baby! There are hot and sexy women all over this place. Paradise is practically flooding with hot women, man.
How interesting! And they are virgins?
I can’t say that for sure. But they are really expensive?
Yeah, they cost a lot so I didn’t really get a chance to check them all but I my heart says they are virgins. Although, I must say, the ones that I have been with weren’t anything like that.
They weren’t virgins?
Oh, don’t you feel cheated? and they were expensive? So, you are like buying women in paradise?
I sort of am. And sometimes, I just buy them a drink and other times I just pay them for a dance, that’s more affordable.
They dance? I thought they were all good Muslims?
Muslims??? No way! They are anything but Muslims. Well, they might be Muslim, I never really asked but they sure aren’t dressed like Muslim women.
Oh, how are they dressed?
Wow. Allah allows that kind of dressing up there?So, you are basically having a good time? Do you miss home?
Not at all. Life is absolutely great here. Hot women, skyscrapers, best beaches in the world and what not!
And how are the mosques up there?
Mosques? There aren’t many.
Oh so you are not praying much there?
No, not at all. I don’t think that’s a requirement here. It’s good life, you know.
Oh, I thought praying five times was good life.
No, no, no. That was just a test, I think. I passed the test and I have got all the hoes, baby.
Wow, things really did speed up for you, han? So, all I have to do to get there is blow up and kill some infidels right?
Yeah, pretty much. Infidels or anybody at all. Just make yourself useful.
I don’t really have to kill infidels by blowing myself up?
Of course not. You can kill Muslims, children, women, just anybody.
And the gates of paradise will open for me?
But these children, women and Muslims should be really bad people right?
WHAT? NO! Are you kidding me? How are you going to find evil children?
Good question. Did you find any? I have heard your friends here, in Peshawar, killed a number of children a month ago.
Oh yeah, I heard.
So, are they up there in paradise?
No, I haven’t seen them around.
They must have done something wrong.
Do you think it was alright to kill that many children?
FOR PARADISE? Anything baby!
But they left a loft of people in grief.
But they are getting eternal happiness somewhere. And eternal happiness and hot women is everybody’s dream.
But is Allah happy with them?
He must be. That’s what he taught us.
Did he really? Tell me more about paradise?
The movies here are great.There are all sorts of movies here and there is a place called hollywood, you can basically meet movie stars here.
Movie stars? Hollywood? That sounds like America!
AMERICA!!! NO!!! HARAAAAAAM!!!
What you are saying is that paradise is like America.
NO! AMERICA IS EVIL. Paradise is like paradise, it is a good place. The roads are clean. People follow traffic rules and nobody really litters around here. This is definitely paradise.
Well, that sounds more like America. Are there rivers of wine there?
If you have money, there can be.
So, you need to have money in paradise?
Of course, how else do you think the place runs?
Do they have a president there?
Yeah, and he is dark. Definitely a good Muslim!
A dark-colored president? Sounds like Barrack Obama.
WHAT? NO! NO AMERICA! THIS IS ALLAH’S HOME.
Did you see Allah?
So, you are saying I am going to die and I am still not going to see Allah?
Yeah, what do you want to see him for?
Well, to see if he really does exist?
Well, the PARADISE exists and that’s all that matters, lady. And guess what, I saw Hillary Duff here the other day.
Hillary Duff? But she is alive!
Yes and she is in America!
Okay whatever, did you meet the Prophet?
He is not there either? And did you ever ask for him?
Of course, I inquired.
So, they told me “PEACE” and so I said “PEACE” and tried pot.
Did you say POT?
That’s bliss. You have that and you talk to Allah for a while. And after my first experience with Allah, I wrote an email to my friends in Pakistan and Afghanistan, I told them about all the wonders of paradise and that they should waste no time in getting here.
Getting to America?
Whatever, man! Screw you!